


Falling

by cthink



Series: Death is inevitable [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Nightmares, Paranoia, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5581798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cthink/pseuds/cthink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum knew it had to end. He couldn't do it anymore. </p><p>OR</p><p>'Inde Morte Quamlibet' from Calum's perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Calum hadn't been happy for months now. It was no ones fault but his own, Calum told himself. He was making himself unhappy because he was such an _ugly_ person. Selfish, mean and ugly. He didn't deserve his friends or his family or his life. That was what Calum told himself when he woke up every morning, when he went to sleep at night. Yet his biggest fear was losing everyone around him, because he was so sure that one day they would realise how awful a person he really was. They had to.

So he tried to change himself. He only wanted happiness, only wanted everyone to love him. And no one could love the real Calum. No one. He stopped eating because he hated how he looked. Not everything because he still needed to eat to live, but he didn't eat anywhere near as much as a young boy such as himself should've.

And he knew that Michael clicked onto it. Calum knew that Michael had known almost straight away, because nothing Calum did could get past Michael. Calum hated that. He needed to become a better liar, because as it was, he couldn't even lie properly. It was another thing that Calum added onto his endless list of things to hate about himself.

Then Luke and Ashton noticed too. They all became suddenly wary around him, like he was fragile and breakable. It made Calum resent himself even more because he didn't want to be seen as weak. He wanted to be wanted. He wanted to be _loved_.

Calum began hating performing because he knew how he was the worst in the band. He was talentless, he ruined it for the others. None of the fans really liked him, they only loved Luke and Ash and Michael. They didn't love him. He couldn't sing, and he was terrible at playing the bass. Why the others hadn't kicked him out yet was beyond him.

He didn't want to go out anymore because he knew that he'd spoil their fun. He'd say something stupid and ruin the whole night. He knew he would, because he was a terrible person. Calum knew that.   
No one else did. No one else saw what Calum saw. But one day they would, and then they'd leave him, just like he deserved. Or so Calum thought.

Soon enough, he became so paranoid that he refused to speak at all, talking only when it was absolutely necessary. He could tell it frustrated the others, but he knew he was doing the right thing. Because if he didn't, they'd leave him wouldn't they? One day they'd realise and Calum would be all alone. That couldn't happen.

He stopped sleeping properly. These thoughts kept him awake at night. Wondering when everyone would finally realise how horrible he truly was, thinking of how he could change to become better. He couldn't lose them, he couldn't. Ashton, Luke and Michael were the only people holding him together. And the way they became angry and impatient and pitiful towards him broke his heart because the last thing he wanted to do was be a nuisance. Nothing was working. Nothing he tried made it any better. Something was wrong with him.

The nightmares started not long after. Relentless, constant, terrifying dreams of how everyone was leaving him, of how they would talk about him behind his back, of how the ones he loved despised him. And every night Calum would wake in the dark, telling himself that it wasn't real, and that everything was okay.

Just it wasn't. Something was wrong with _him_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are nothing."

  
Calum was alone in the silent dark. No one and nothing could be seen. He was lost, stumbling around when suddenly he heard it. A small murmur, little more than a whisper.  
"You are nothing" the voice told him. It echoed, and slowly grew louder and louder until Calum was begging for it to stop. He covered his ears with his hands, but nothing could block out the noise.  
He heard it again, but this time in a different voice. Michael's voice. And it told him new things- things that Calum himself believed.  
"You are worthless"  
"No one loves you, Calum"  
And then Luke and Ashton's voices were audible too, growing in volume until Calum could see them all slowly moving towards him through the darkness. Tears flowed down his face as they continued to shout at him, their voices strangled and distorted.  
He sobbed and slowly sunk to his knees, covered his face, doing anything he could to ignore them.  
When he looked up again, they were reaching for him as they continued to screech, trying to grab his clothes and his hair, pulling him down slowly into the cool black abyss.  
"Please, no!" He cried out, but of course they didn't listen. He was falling, and no one could catch him. Falling  
Falling  
Falling  
Down.

 

Then he was screaming and crying and gasping for air, until he realised that he wasn't falling anymore. He was back in his bunk, in the dark, his entire body on fire and covered in sweat, and he couldn't breathe.

His breath was coming in short, shallow gasps between sobs as the tears continued to stream down his cheeks. He started to tremble. 'It wasn't real,' he told himself, 'it was a dream.'

It was then that he noticed a slight shift beside him, and turned to see Ashton, Luke and Michael all kneeling there next to his bunk. Calum sobbed even harder then, because they weren't supposed to see that. They weren't supposed to see that side of him. Calum panicked; they'd leave him now, surely, because who would want someone so weak as a friend?

He hid his face in his hands because he couldn't let them see the real him. He couldn't. Something grabbed his legs then, and Calum reacted almost immediately. He pulled his legs up into his chest where no one could get him. It was Ashton or Luke or Michael, they wanted to get him, they were going to pull him back into the darkness because they hated him...

"Calum, buddy, you have to tell us what's wrong." It was Ashton, he sounded calm but Calum knew he was probably angry. They all were, he had woken them up. Of course they were. Calum shook his head, because he couldn't tell them what was wrong. In truth, he didn't really know himself.

Once his entire body stopped burning, he finally felt how freezing it was on the bus. The harsh air bit at him as he sat, drenched in cool sweat and in nothing but thin pyjamas. Luke must've noticed (from his shaking, presumably), because the next thing he knew he was being draped in a blanket. He pulled it tighter around himself, not only to protect himself from the cold, but also from everything else.

"Calum, please, we only want to help you..."  
No one could help him. Calum risked a look up at his bandmates, but immediately regretted it. He realised how pathetic he must look, huddled up on his bunk while the others peered in at him, as if he were some tortured animal. It was embarrassing.  
He felt his cheeks burn a hot red, and the tears began to well up all over again.

He vaguely registered Luke comforting him, but all he could do was stare at the floor and try not to break out into more sobs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had to end.

It takes them a while to coax him out of the bed, but Ashton eventually manages to with a glass of water and a smile, because Ashton's always had something about him that made Calum feel safe. They're sat on the sofa, with Luke and Michael on the floor. They looked tired, Calum noticed. His fault.

The four of them sat in silence for a while, as Calum sipped awkwardly at the water. He doesn't drink too much, because he already feels sick enough. He wants more than anything to go back to his bed and forget this ever happened, but he knows they'll demand an explanation sooner or later. Might as well get it out of the way.

"Calum, you need to tell us what's wrong." Michael broke the deafening silence. Calum froze, and notices how his hands are still shaking. Pathetic. He slowly brings them down to rest in his lap, hoping no one else noticed. Michael was wrong. He couldn't tell them.   
"I can't.."  
Calum winced at the sound of his own voice; it was dry and croaky from his cries. He felt weak. He tried to shake his head, but found he had little energy left to even do that. Instead, he stared at the floor, avoiding the burning gazes of the others.  
"Calum, please, you know you can talk to us, right?"  
"I can't" Calum repeated, without hesitation this time. Because he just couldn't tell them.   
"Why not?" He heard Michael's voice crack slightly, and it hurt. The last thing he wanted was to upset them. The only people who actually cared about him.

He couldn't answer him. Because then they would find out and they'd leave him. It was best to not answer. Just be silent.   
"Calum, you have to tell us. We can't keep doing this any longer. You're tearing the band apart."  
Ouch. Calum knew it was true, but it hurt to hear someone else finally say it. This wasn't what he wanted.   
"I-I'm sorry..." He struggled to get it out. Tears were welling up in his eyes because he was hurting his friends. "I didn't... Didn't want..."  
"Cmon Cal, it's okay, just tell us what the matter is."  
Calum could feel Ashton rubbing his back, and it relaxed him and comforted him, and he knew he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve them.   
"I c-can't..."  
"Why not, Calum?" Michael shouted back. He was angry. They all were. He did his best to ignore Michael's stony glare, but it was impossible. He wanted the ground to just swallow him up.

"Because I don't know!" It was the truth. Calum just couldn't tell them what was wrong because he didn't know. All he knew was that he hated himself, but no one could ever know that... Ever.

"What do you mean, Cal?"

Calum broke then. They were too nice to him, he couldn't keep lying to them. Not if he wanted them to love him. He just couldn't do it.   
"I don't know what's wrong..." He was sobbing again. "I- I think there's something wrong with me, Ash."   
He hid his face behind his hands again, because no one could see how pitiful he was. He didn't want their pity. The silence felt like agony. No one said anything, no one even moved.

"Okay, well...uh... How can we help?" Ashton moved Calum so he was facing him now, his hand gently manoeuvring Calum's face out of his hands. Calum stared into those hazel eyes trying desperately to work out what Ashton was feeling, if he actually meant it. Why would anyone want to help him?

"You can't." No one could help him now. He didn't want them to waste their time trying.

"You need to tell us! Please, Cal, I'm begging you. I need you back Calum, buddy, please!" Michael sounded desperate.

Michael knew it wasn't Calum there anymore. Michael had seen right through him. He couldn't put them through this pain anymore, it wasn't fair.

"It was just a dream, Michael." Calum couldn't watch as Michael's mouth fell open slightly, at how he frowned, at how hurt he looked. And it was Calum's fault.

"It was just a dream, I'm fine. Go back to bed. Please."

"Calum, no-"

Calum cut Luke off. He couldn't take it anymore. Pushing himself out of Ashton's reach and past the others, he made it to his bunk as quickly as he could, where he laid there and sobbed, silently, for the rest of the night. It had to end.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't put them through it anymore.

The next day, Calum ignored them all completely. Didn't talk to them, didn't even look at them. Not only was it humiliating, but it was painful. When he looked them in the eye, he saw their disappointment and confusion and it was his fault. It was all his fault. As Calum sat in one of the dirty toilet stalls of the venue, sobbing, he decided he would do it today. Because it'd been going on for too long now. He couldn't put them through it anymore. 

It was as he was about to enter the dressing room, he paused just long enough to hear someone crying. Ashton. It was muffled, but it was there. The eldest was talking to someone.   
"What do we do, Mali?"  
His sister. Calum felt anger bubbling up inside him. Why would Ashton betray him like that? Why would he tell even more people? He was probably making fun of him, telling Mali how much he hated him. But it hurt that Ashton hadn't even bothered to tell him. He let himself in then, to see Ashton hunched over, sobbing on the sofa, with his phone in hand. At first Calum was confused, because why would anyone cry over him? He wasn't worth their tears.   
"Ashton." His voice was colder and harsher than he had intended, and it was reflected in the way Ashton jumped and span around to face him with fear in his eyes. 

"Who was that on the phone?"  
"It was, err... It was just, my, um, my mum."  
"No it wasn't" Calum was angry. He had caught him red-handed, yet Ashton was still lying to him. Like Calum didn't deserve the truth. He probably didn't. "You were just talking to my sister, weren't you?"  
"I...um, I-"  
"Don't lie to me Ashton. You know, I thought I could trust you?" Ashton had betrayed him. One of the only people he thought actually cared. That just confirmed what he thought. Everyone hated him.  
"Y- You can, Calum!"  
"No, I can't. How long have you been doing this?"  
"Huh?"  
"How long- have you been calling my sister?" His anger was overwhelming him now. He just wanted the truth.  
"A couple months, maybe..." Ashton sounded ashamed, and it made Calum feel guilty. That wasn't Ashton. Ashton was supposed to be strong, calm, collected. Now he looked scared. Calum didn't know what he was scared of, but it scared him too. He felt his panic rising. 

"Why?" Calum was shouting at him now. "Why would you tell her? Now she'll tell my parents, and my whole family will know, and they'll be worried-" Calum was frightened. He knew what would happen, everyone would realise what a fucking mess he was and...  
"They'll make me go home, Ashton, they won't let me perform, they'll tell someone and then someone will come and take me away," He can't stop the words from coming out now; he knew he should because they would see how scared he really was but he was desperate and frightened and he panicked. "Something's wrong with me Ash, somethings wrong, don't let them take me! Please, don't-"

He fell to the floor then, trembling and sobbing. He couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't strong enough. Ashton was there in a second, wrapping his arms around him, telling him everything would be okay. Calum buried his face into Ashton's shoulder. His tears were making Ashton's top all wet and he knew Ashton would probably hate him for it and that he was only doing this to be a good person, but Calum was too exhausted to care. He was vaguely aware of Luke and Michael's presence, but they didn't say anything. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, with Ashton stroking his hair and whispering comforting words into his ear, rocking them back and forth until Calum eventually just fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling  
> Falling  
> Falling  
> Down.

When he woke up again he was still in the dressing room, just he had been moved to the sofa and tucked under a blanket. Everything was silent other than Calum's shallow breathing. He was alone.

As he slowly sat up, he noticed the yellow post-it note on the table that read:   
"Just gone out to grab some lunch, be back soon. Get some rest,  
Ash"  
It hurt that they had gone out without him, but he understood. No one in their right mind would want to be seen in public with Calum. 

It was the perfect opportunity. He was scared, but he was doing it for them because he loved his friends and he couldn't see them get hurt because of him anymore. Their lives would be better without him in them. Because God only knows why they still let Calum stick around. No one loved him. He was a burden, and he was doing it for them. 

With a shaky breath, he slowly pulled the blanket off and reached into the pocket of his jeans. He brought out the bottle of pills that he had bought just the other day. Sleeping pills. They were strong, and there were a lot of them. They'd do the trick. 

His hands shaking, he undid the lid and poured most of them into his hand. He was scared, but he was ready. He had to do it. He had nothing left to live for, and he was only hurting other people. He was ready. 

'Do it. Swallow them. Just do it.'

So he did. They slipped easily down his throat with a few gulps of water. And he was calm. He had expected to panic, to be scared, but he wasn't. 

He lowered himself back down onto the sofa, bottle of pills still in hand, and curled in on himself. He felt cold. And most of all, he was tired. He was exhausted. 

Calum didn't even try to fight it. He felt his eyelids slowly fluttering shut, his long dark eyelashes tickling his cheeks. It was then that he realised he was finally happy. And everyone else would be free soon. He would miss them, but their lives would be better. Everyone could be happy. 

He could feel himself drifting into darkness, but he didn't mind. He welcomed it. And he felt himself   
Falling  
Falling  
Falling  
Down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end! I really hope you enjoyed it. I probably won't do a part 3 to this series because idk what it'd be about, but if you have any ideas feel free to let me know because I really enjoyed writing this :)


End file.
